if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Randomize
