My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
