Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
