shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
