K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
