I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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