cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
