Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
