Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
