You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
