i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
