Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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