Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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