I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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