This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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