dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
