Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
