watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
