I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
