peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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