i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
