That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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