chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
