My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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