Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
