Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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