Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
