Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
