I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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