last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
