just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
