If i come over, it means nothing
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
