Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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