Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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