i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
