I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
