i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
