i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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