Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
