Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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