we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
