i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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