I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
