just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
