I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
