best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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