morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
