I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
