i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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