After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
