Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
